


Broken Hearts and Hard Feelings

by crushing83



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Coincidences, Crossing paths, Fate, Gen, M/M, Or Maybe More, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Running Away, Work In Progress, Workplace, a chance for closure, animation studio au, awkward moments, hoping for a little feedback to get the ideas flowing again, i don't know what this is going to be yet, the past coming back to haunt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-05-04 16:05:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14596653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crushing83/pseuds/crushing83
Summary: Seven years ago, Jensen and Jared were in a relationship---until they weren't. In the aftermath, Jensen picked up his life and relocated from Austin to Vancouver. The clean slate helped---until it didn't. His past crashed into his present, blindsiding Jensen and forcing him to face feelings he thought he'd buried.(Note: This was previously called "(Temporarily) Untitled." I decided to add a bit more, so I'm moving it out of the snippets series and giving it a name.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said in the summary, this is something I've been working on, slowly, over the last few months. There's more in the text file, but I'm not making much progress on it lately. I thought I'd put a piece of it out into the universe, and maybe that would help me figure out where I'm taking this story.
> 
> So, if you have a suggestion or a thought, please share! I won't be taking requests, but I'd love to hear what you think.

With the power of hindsight, Jensen felt like the universe had been warning him that the day was going to be the worst day he'd had in a long time. After he broke his glasses getting out of bed and had to cram his contacts onto his eyeballs, after his truck gurgled to a halt in the driveway of his apartment, after he slipped on the ice on the sidewalk by the bus stop and spilled his coffee on his favourite jeans... he should have just called Misha and told him he wasn't coming into work. He should have _known_.

Instead, he'd pushed through each setback. He'd found his eyedrops and applied them liberally; he donned his sunglasses to hide his red eyes from nosy commuters. He changed into the jeans he kept in his desk drawer. He managed to score one of the last cups of coffee from the kitchen when it was still hot and fresh. He'd thought his luck was turning around.

He was such a dumbass.

The realisation didn't strike him until halfway through the day. In those first few hours, Jensen felt like his day was back on the right track. His edits on the text copy for their latest project was approved; he was able to book a Skype session with the voice actor for that afternoon so those changes could be re-recorded. His favourite editor was coming into the studio that afternoon so he'd be able to see the changes in the animatic the next day. His team of artists were on track to hit their next deadlines. He made plans to meet some of his friends at their preferred pub after work. Everything was working out the way he'd hoped---but it was all a lie.

He didn't learn that sad, sad fact until after lunch.

"Yo, Jen!"

Jensen looked up from his email---he always felt like he was answering email, trying to keep everyone in the loop---and saw the project's director, Richard, standing in the opening to his office space.

"What's up?"

Richard grinned from beneath his beard. "Misha's gathering the troops. Just the leads and heads. Apparently you two hired an art director and didn't tell me!"

With a snort, Jensen locked his computer. He stood and rolled his shoulders. "I didn't hire him," Jensen said. "Misha brought me some screenshots of his portfolio. He had some great medical art, like textbook but 3D sculpts, and Misha said he worked on some successful patient education videos. Sounded good to me, so Misha did a video interview with him."

"You didn't sit in?" Richard asked. "But, this is our baby!"

Jensen chuckled. "Yeah, but Misha still runs the place, Rich. I'm just..."

"Puh-lease," Richard said as soon as Jensen hesitated to find the right word to describe his position.

He might have started as a technical advisor, but he was more of a producer than anything else on the studio's latest project. Misha was even talking about making him a partner in the business, so someone else could pitch in on the 'boring stuff.' As a director, Richard was one of the few people who knew about that and apparently he wasn't letting Jensen's hesitation slide.

"I know, I know, but for now, it's still Misha's baby, really, so let's go to the meeting and be dazzled by the new hire and the boss' showmanship."

Richard cackled and acquiesced. With a flourish, he motioned towards the main conference room. Jensen nodded and grabbed his tablet in the hopes of getting one more email written before the meet-and-greet started.

"Hey, guys."

Jensen smiled as Rob came out of his soundproof office, glasses askew and short, wavy hair ruffled. "You been in there all day?" Jensen asked. When Rob nodded and rubbed the back of his head, Jensen clapped a hand to his shoulder. "Dude, come out for some fresh air every couple of hours."

"I've been laying the tracks down for the toothbrush app," Rob admitted. "It's... addictive."

"Must be," Richard said. "But, hey, maybe all the little kiddos need is a Robbie Bee exclusive to get those pearly whites sparkling."

Rob shrugged and smiled, his cheeks flushing a little as he looked at Richard. "I hope so," he murmured. He turned his attention back to Jensen. "I saw your email about the Skype recording. You need me in on it?"

"Maybe at the beginning, to make sure the sound's okay," Jensen replied. "Can you fit it in?"

After a nod, Rob said, "Yeah, I can make time for that. Grab me before you start."

"Will do," Jensen said. "Thanks, man."

They entered the conference room before anyone else, but they were shortly followed by Gen and Kim, who were deep in a conversation about some sort of deformer and the mesh requirements to use it. That was as far as Jensen could follow them; the finer points of their conversation were lost on him since he didn't have a background in animation or fine arts.

After sharing smiles and greetings, Gen and Kim returned to their conversation and Richard and Rob started talking about a band they liked. Jensen sighed and settled down in his preferred seat---the one at the table's corner furthest from the door, so he could watch everyone as they came in but tune them out if he wanted to, too. Within minutes, he was tucked back into his never-ending list of emails. He liked to write drafts, then walk away from them to let his words settle; he liked to think over what he wanted to say and make sure he was saying it in the most concise and clear way possible.

It took Misha and his new hire about twenty minutes to make their way to the area outside the conference room. Jensen couldn't hear all the words Misha was saying, but he could hear his tone. He knew Misha was being his usual, off-the-wall self, waxing poetic and gesticulating wildly. He hid his grin behind his tablet.

A _thud!_ followed by a _scuffle_ announced Mike's entrance.

"Am I late?" Mike asked.

"Misha's doing his 'we do meaningful work here and it touches me in my special place' routine," Gen said. "You've got about another five minutes."

"Whew!"

As Mike rounded the table, he swatted the back of Jensen's head. Jensen yelped wordlessly and then turned his head to glare at the compositing supervisor.

"What the hell, jackass?"

"You should've saved me a seat," Mike said. "Now I'm gonna sit in your lap."

"You're really not," Jensen replied.

"Oh, yeah, I am."

Oh, yeah, he did.

Mike pulled Jensen's chair out from the table and plopped down on top of him. Jensen groaned, cursed, and tried to shove him out of his lap, but he wasn't trying his hardest. When Mike wriggled back into him, Jensen sighed and resigned himself to having a lapful of one of his closest friends since transplanting his broken life. It wasn't so bad. Physical closeness was sorely lacking in Jensen's life and there were times when he'd take what he could get to soothe the wounds that wouldn't heal.

"Comfy?" Jensen asked.

"You bet, Jenny Bean. You make a real good seat."

"Call me that one more time, Rosie, and I'll kick your bony ass."

Kim looked over at them. "You two breaking up? Mike, you wanna sleep on my couch again while you heal your wounded heart?" she teased.

"Nah, I'm gonna take my licks like the hound dog I am and eventually Jensen'll love me again," Mike said as he shifted around enough so he could wrap his arm around Jensen's neck and shoulders. He leaned down so their heads were touching. "A guy like this... he's worth it, ya know?"

"You're nuts," Jensen muttered.

Mike smacked a teasing kiss to his forehead. "You still love me, though."

"I'm nuts, too," Jensen added.

"Must be why we're such good friends," Mike commented. He didn't move his arm, but he settled back against Jensen and held his tablet with his free hand. "Go on, finish writing whatever you were writing before I assaulted you."

With a little smile, Jensen nudged his head into Mike's before returning to the draft of his e-mail to Misha and one of their clients. It was kind of nice to feel weighed down by another person's body, even if the gesture was platonic, and he soaked it up while he could. Soon, their new art director would be joining them and there was a good chance he'd lose Mike's friendly closeness until the next time Mike decided to torment him.

He worked on his writing, trying to get the next few stages in the project organised before he had to be social. As he did, he could hear Mike and Kim talking about a movie they both saw recently as Richard and Rob pulled Gen into their conversation about a local band. Beyond them, Misha and the new hire were making their way even closer to the conference room, despite the roundabout way Misha took the guy through the studio, weaving from one bullpen to the other.

At one point, Jensen glanced up and caught sight of a shoulder and its height and slant reminded him of someone from his past---someone from his past he'd been trying to forget since he ran away, up and over the forty-ninth parallel. He stared until the sliver of body disappeared from sight again; then, he gave himself a shake and reminded his ridiculous brain of the same thing he did any time over the last seven years, that lots of people were tall and male and there was such a slim chance it was the person permanently lodged in his heart that it was practically impossible.

"C'mon in, Jared, we're just getting started with the day's rundown meeting," Misha said. They walked into the conference room as Jensen finished telling himself that there were tons of tall people with that name from the safety of the barrier built by Mike's body and his tablet. "Everyone!" Misha called out. "Everyone, meet Jared. Jared---"

"Meet everyone?" Jared finished.

His voice was entirely too familiar for Jensen's liking.

He laughed and Jensen felt the desperate need to knock Mike off his lap and make a break for the exit that Jared and Misha were presently blocking.

 _Oh, shit. Shit. Shit. Shit._

"Exactly!" Misha said on a little laugh. "So, guys, this is our new art director for the surgical procedures and aftercare series. He's got a background in medical art and his last project was as lead sculptor for the guys who made the latest laparoscopic training game."

That fact caught everyone's attention. Jensen buried his interest---the first iteration of that training module had been what convinced him to give Misha's initial employment offer a try, and he'd always loved the idea of mixing medical sciences with art---into his tablet as the others around him murmured their praise of the project. He thought about peeking up over the edge of the device, to let his eyes confirm what his ears heard, but the idea of catching Jared's gaze after seven years of trying to forget it and remembering what looking into Jared's eyes could do to him had his lungs struggling to get enough oxygen into his body.

"Hey," Mike whispered. "You okay?"

Jensen is ninety-nine percent sure he nodded, but the way Mike was curving closer to him made him wonder how he gestured. Being one of the few people who knew him longest---since his relocation---made Mike knowledgeable enough in Jensen's quirks to know he hates making a scene when he (rarely, in his defence) freaks out about something.

"Please tell me I get to use the defibrillator on you if you black out," Mike said, his voice still quiet.

"That's for heart attacks," Jensen croaked. 

Mike grinned. "You'll live then?"

Jensen nodded again, but he wasn't any more confident than he'd been while on the verge of a (very manly) panic attack. He inhaled as slowly as he could and gave one more nod. He tried to brace himself for what was about to happen, but he didn't really know how to start. Escaping Austin had been his method of coping when their relationship ended and the option to discreetly hightail it out of Vancouver wasn't available to him with Misha and the ridiculous giant they hired standing at the front of the room.

His heart clenched as he realised Misha was introducing them, one at a time. He silently cursed himself out for not asking Misha for a name---but he wanted someone whose work was _good_ and what he'd been shown enough proof that the applicant could do great work for them---and then he realised that he never would have stood in the way of Jared's career. As much as he absolutely did not ever want to see the man again, he wouldn't have blocked Jared from a job he wanted.

His stupid-ass heart had a soft spot for in-the-closet commitment-phobes, apparently.

"So, this is Rob, who handles music and sound for a few of our projects," Misha said. "Next to him is Richard, who's the director on your project. Kim is who you'll probably deal with the most---she's your modelling lead. We've had her sitting in on these meetings until we could find you, so she's one of the crew best equipped to get you up to speed. Benedict, Speight, Rhodes, and---oh, Genevieve, next to Kim, is our lead TD and she's terrifyingly brilliant. She'll be your best bet to show you how the rigs are done, how the pipeline's set up."

"Cool," Jared said. "Nice to meet you guys."

"Right back atcha," Gen said.

Jensen could hear the smile in her voice and he wanted to groan. He did not want a front seat to their mating rituals. The half-baked plan to run away (again) was becoming clearer in his mind. He could go to Toronto and peddle his experience into an asset coordinator or producer job. He could go back to school and update his physiotherapy license.

He could move to Nunavut. Jared wouldn't find him there, right?

"And Mike is in charge of compositing and all the gremlins in that department," Misha said.

"Howdy," Mike said, shifting his weight to wave and nearly elbowing Jensen in the eye as he moved.

"And... Mike, are you sitting on Jensen?" Misha asked.

Mike shrugged. "He didn't save me a seat. Seemed like a good payback."

"Jensen?" Jared asked.

"Hey, Jen, give the new guy a wave or shove Rosenbaum off your lap so Jared can see your pretty face," Misha suggested.

"But, I'm comfy," Mike whined, even as he was lifting up off of Jensen's thighs and taking Jensen's protective shield (or hiding place) with him.

"Don't you have renders to wrangle?" Kim asked.

Mike smirked and opened his mouth, but Misha clearing his throat (surprisingly) stopped him from saying anything else. Instead, he walked around the table and greeted Jared.

"Great to have you here, man," Mike said.

Jared's attention was laser-focused on Jensen, who he could see clearly once Mike moved, but he blinked and turned to the man long enough to respond to Mike's gesture.

"Thanks," Jared replied, as they shook hands. "I'm really happy to be here."

Knowing it would be seen as rude if he ducked behind his tablet again, Jensen forced himself to leave it on the table. He couldn't force himself to meet Jared's gaze every time his hazel eyes flicked Jensen's way, though. When Mike slapped Jared on the shoulder and took a seat on the other end of the table, Jared turned back to Jensen.

"I... hi. Jensen."

"Jared. Welcome to Vancouver," Jensen said, hoping he sounded pleasant enough.

"Well---"

"Wait, you guys know each other?" Misha asked, cutting off whatever Jared had been about to say. "Jensen! You didn't tell me that!"

Jensen snorted. "You printed off a bunch of stills from his ArtStation and asked me what I thought," he said. "It all looked like what it was supposed to look like and it looked good to boot. I signed off, figuring you'd take care of... all the rest."

With a roll of his eyes, Misha groaned. "You're a real details man, aren't ya."

"You're the one who likes to get a feel for a person's energy, Misha," Jensen reminded him.

"Yeah, yeah," Misha said dismissively, before looking at Jared and Jensen, who were still alternating between looking at each other and avoiding looking at each other, and grinning. "Well, this is great! Now I feel even better!"

Jensen glanced at Kim and Mike. They were both watching him more carefully than they usually did, and that made him more nervous than he was already feeling. Gen was too busy watching Jared, and Misha was in the process of welcoming Jared to their ragtag crew. But Kim and Mike were studying him. He looked away from them and forced himself to take a deep and supposedly calming breath. When he looked back at the group, he looked at Mike and offered his friend a little smile.

The pleasant expression lasted until he realised Jared was trying to catch his gaze. It may have been seven years, but Jensen recognised the determined set of Jared's brows and mouth. He knew he only had a few minutes to escape before he was cornered---either in his cubicle or in full view of everyone.

"Jensen, you wanna help Jared get settled at his desk?" Misha asked.

That was the last thing Jensen wanted to do but there was no way to tell Misha that without opening up his history to the group. He couldn't have done it without Jared's permission in the past; he wouldn't do it in the present. Jared kept their relationship a secret from everyone and Jensen would honour the decision no matter how much he hated it.

"I---"

"I'll do it," Kim said. She was smiling. She looked relaxed. "I'll know better where all the software stuff is and I can start bringing Jared up to speed. And get to know him. Can't let Jensen hoard all the tall and handsome men, can we?"

"Hey, I've always said you can have me anytime you want, Jensen's needs be damned," Mike said. He winked and grinned when Kim glared at him.

Jared huffed out a little laugh. "Thanks, Kim. That'd be great. I'll catch up with Jensen later."

As determined as Jared might be to corner Jensen and force them to have some sort of cleansing of the air, Jensen was doubly determined to never let that happen.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I feel like I don't know what I'm doing...)

"Okay, that's enough! Where are you?"

Jensen cringed when he heard Danneel's voice ring out across the bullpen. He knew that pulling out of two of their group's regular pub nights would have consequences, but he'd expected her to show up at his home instead of his place of work.

Only a few of the newer artists were peeking out over their dividers. Most of the crew had been exposed to Danneel and none of them overtly watched when she caused a scene; Jensen was sure they were all listening, though, and he appreciated their attempts at hiding their interest.

Having no interest in airing out his dirty laundry---or depressive episode, but he was choosing not to think of it that way because he refused to give Jared even more power over his life than he already had---in front of the studio, Jensen left his desk and walked over to her.

"Dee---"

"Are you dying?" she asked. She cupped his face in her hands. "What's wrong with your face?"

Jensen snorted. He supposed lying awake in bed all night and then running himself ragged all day wasn't the healthiest strategy, but between his anxious brain and his lame heart Jensen didn't know what else to do. He was looking forward to the upcoming weekend so he could crash and catch up on some sleep. His melatonin supply was stocked and he refused to have a weekend like the last one where he spent the whole time binge watching anything he could so he didn't have to think.

"I'm not talking about this here," Jensen said.

Danneel rolled her eyes. "So private," she commented. "You've been working here for a few years. Maybe it's time to ease up on the barrier between professional and personal. "

Jensen sighed. Before he could say anything else, Danneel moved past him and grabbed his coat. She held it out and smiled a little when he took it from her.

"Let's go get lunch," she murmured. "All right?"

"I'm not talking about it," Jensen insisted.

"Sure, sweetheart," Danneel said.

As he shrugged into his wool coat, Jensen scowled at her. Danneel smiled patiently in response, not helping his mood at all. She could badger him for information or she could continue to be patient and placate him until he cracked. Neither option sounded appealing to Jensen.

When he left Austin and Jared, he refused to talk about his past in detail with his new friends. The most anyone in his small social circle knew was that he'd had a bad break-up and needed a change of scenery. His current state of privacy hinged upon Jared's fear of leaving his cosy closet to keep his secret. Jared couldn't have admitted to his closest friends that he was dating Jensen---when they were dating and very much in love---so Jensen didn't think he'd admit to once being in a relationship with another man years after it ended. If it hinged on Jared, his past was probably safe. 

But, there were other people in his life. Kim and Mike haven't cornered him yet. Jensen knew he would have a bit of time to wait for that to happen---but it would eventually happen. Like Jensen, Kim preferred to watch her surroundings carefully and look for small pieces of evidence. Mike, on the other hand, would let the unknown stew in his head for a few more days or weeks before having a "Eureka!" moment and cracking the case by fluke.

Gen was too busy chatting (or working) with Jared to notice Jensen was hiding how much he was struggling. Misha... well, Jensen wasn't sure about Misha. Sometimes, Jensen caught Misha staring at him. It was usually when he was ducking out of one meeting and going into another room---around the time he felt like Jared was circling him, looking for an opening for conversation. Jensen's evasive techniques were being tested and even he knew it was becoming ridiculous. Misha wasn't an idiot; he must have noticed something.

Jared was fitting in with everyone else. Jensen was glad. After everything he'd been through and the hurt he'd never healed, he was still glad Jared was being treated well and enjoying his time there. He just wished he could handle the situation with a bit of grace. Instead, it was messed up and exhausting and Jensen felt like he was being pulled in three or four different directions.

He was probably going to crack and tell Danneel everything, but he wouldn't give in without some kind of a(n internal) fight.

As they reached the main doors, Misha caught up with them. Jensen smiled as he and Danneel hugged, kissing each other's cheek, and he was reminded of all the good times he shared with both of them.

"Please tell me you're going to take him out, get his head on straight, and send him back to us in his original shiny packaging."

Jensen blinked. His smile turned into a scowl in seconds. "I'm fine!" he insisted. "A guy doesn't get his usual eight hours for a few nights in a row and you all start acting like I'm going to pieces."

Arching an eyebrow, Misha turned from Danneel to Jensen. "I'm going to figure this out," he said. "What I lack in memory, I more than make up for with my exceptional powers of deductive reasoning."

"Those powers come with a mask and cape?" Jensen teased.

Misha smirked. "Wouldn't you like to know," he shot back.

"I know I would," Danneel purred, playfulness dripping off her tone of voice.

"One day I might model them for you," Misha said, "if you ask really nicely."

Jensen rolled his eyes. "All right. That's enough out of the both of you," he said. He nudged Danneel towards the door. "Don't forget we have a video conference with the client at three," he added.

"I have it post-it-noted to my monitor," Misha promised. "I'll see you there."

Satisfied with that, Jensen opened the door and ushered Danneel through it. Neither of them said anything until they were a block or so away from the building. A moment before she broke the silence, Danneel threaded her arm around the crook of Jensen's elbow.

"Even Misha's noticed you're off your game," she said quietly.

"I'm fine," Jensen grumped. "Everything's getting done. Nothing's missed."

"There's more to life than deadlines."

"Yes, like friends and food," Jensen said. He gestured towards the deli on the next street. "And we're taking care of those two right now."

Danneel chuckled. "You're a goof."

"Yeah, I know."

It didn't take long to get settled at the deli with sandwiches and drinks. By the time they were tucked into their favourite booth, the stress of having to constantly be on his guard was beginning to melt away. He rolled his shoulders and smiled at his friend. She beamed back at him.

"Feeling better?" she asked.

He nodded. "Things are just... tough there, right now," he said. "The delivery date---"

"Don't you give me that, Jensen Ross Ackles," Danneel interrupted. Jensen opened his mouth to argue, but Danneel steamrolled over him. "I know, I know. It can be stressful. You've got a lot on your plate and you deal with the clients more than anyone else there. And that sucks. But, you also love what you do. You told me yourself you're way happier doing this than treating patients. I don't think that's changed because of the gross surgery stuff you guys do. You've never let deadlines wear you out like this before. You're not sleeping, babe."

"I know, but---"

"Jay, this is me," Danneel murmured before she plucked a piece of pickle from the edge of her sandwich and nibbled on it. "I'm not going to judge. I'm not going to tell Jason or Mike or anyone else if you don't want me to."

Jensen sighed. He didn't want to tell her anything. Knowing how his history with Jared would sound, he also knew was setting himself up for one hell of a lecture. He'd thought about telling her before. He'd gone through all the ways it could go, knowing Danneel as well as he did, and it had seemed obvious to Jensen that she would lecture him and advise him to get over his feelings.

Well, if it were that easy, he wouldn't have left Austin.

It wasn't easy. It was awful. He'd fallen hard for Jared. And when he realised he was never going to get what he needed from Jared, he'd taken the last of his dignity and ended their... whatever it was. Seeing him around the city and bumping into him at his favourite places---because they'd become Jared's favourites, too---hurt Jensen's heart every time it happened. After a few months of heartache and anxiety, Jensen had decided he needed a clean state and a new city. He sold his shares of the physiotherapy clinic and booked it out of Austin, but his wounded heart didn't heal the way he hoped it would.

"Eat your sandwich," Danneel said, pulling him from his thoughts. "We'll talk later."

He managed to get a few bites in before he saw a shadow fall across their table. Expecting Mike, maybe because he'd heard Danneel came by, he was talking before he looked up at who was creating the shadow.

"Pull up a seat, man, before you give me a complex."

"Might be too late for that," Jared said as he sat down between Jensen and Danneel.

_Damn it._

Before Jensen could say anything else, like a retraction of his blind (and stupid) offer, Jared was reaching out to Danneel with an extended hand.

"Hi, I'm Jared," he said. "I work with Jensen now."

"Danneel. So, another Texas boy in that studio," Danneel replied, grinning. "Misha's gonna be overrun if he keeps hiring you guys. What are the odds?"

"Yeah, what are the odds," Jensen muttered under his breath.

"You say something, Jay?"

He looked at Danneel and shook his head. After clearing his throat, he made himself look at Jared. "So, you getting the hang of the neighbourhood and find this place on your own, or did Mike give away all the good places in exchange for a decent cup of coffee?"

"He's so easy," Danneel joked.

"I, ah, well, I've lived here for a few years," Jared said, his eyes ducking down for a moment and then returning to look at Jensen. "I moved away to do that last project, and then... wanted to come back. It's nice here. A bit rainier than---"

Whatever else Jared was saying about the climate was completely lost on Jensen. Jared had been living in Vancouver. Jensen could have run into him at any time. His safe haven... was _never_ safe.

Feeling his shriveled-up heart ascending into his throat, Jensen pushed away from the table, mumbled something about the bathroom, and disappeared into the little corridor on the other side of the deli. He locked himself in the single bathroom and leaned against the door.

He should have known. Vancouver was an animation hotspot. But, could he have guessed... really? Jensen remembered Jared refusing out-of-town work, remembered him saying he didn't want to travel from one contract to the next. Jensen had assumed Jared would never change any part of his life---and that had been a mistake. He seemed to be fine with some changes.

With a deep breath, Jensen rubbed a hand over his face. He knew he was being a complete basket-case. He wished he could march back out there and treat Jared like any of the other people at the studio. He wished he could be a sensible adult. Instead, he was looking at the bathroom walls for an escape hatch.

"Real mature, Jensen," he muttered under his breath.

He shook himself out and paced the tiny room. He had to move past his hurt feelings. He had to be strong. He had to stop giving Jared the satisfaction of seeing him come undone.

After spending a few minutes psyching himself up, he wrenched open the door and all but marched back to the table. Jared was gone, and Danneel was looking up at him with an expression on her face that was somewhere between sad and mad.

Jensen wasn't anywhere near sad. He was furious. That Jared thought he could come by, ruin Jensen's lunch, destroy the sense of security he'd found in Vancouver, and then disappear was somewhere near the last straw (or another straw in a long line of last straws). He snarled but managed to restrain his voice down to a very low growl.

"Well, that's uncalled for, don't you think?" Danneel asked.

"What are you talking about?"

She arched an eyebrow and glared at him. "He left because you upset him," she said.

"I upset him?" Jensen echoed.

"Yes. He said he's been trying to get a few minutes of your time all week, and you've been avoiding him," she said.

Jensen took a bite out of his remaining piece of sandwich, chewing with a bit more vigor than necessary. By the time he swallowed, he noticed Danneel was still watching him.

"What?" he asked.

"I've never seen you be mean before, Jensen," she said, her voice a little softer. "We've known each other for a little more than five years and in all that time I've never seen you treat another person like that."

"Dee..."

She shrugged and pressed on with her train of thought. "Look, I get it, you two dated, and maybe there are bad feelings, but I've seen you treat failed dates better than the way you treated Jared just now."

Surprised by her words, Jensen paused in taking another bite of his lunch to stare at her. He never told her about his history with Jared; he knew he was acting like a jilted (and weird) ex-lover, but Danneel had never seen him act that way before. Was she just that intuitive?

Or...

"He told you we dated?" Jensen asked.

Danneel nodded. "He said you dated for a little while in Austin," she replied. "And that you were caught off-guard, seeing him in the studio."

"He told you we _dated?"_ Jensen asked.

"That's what I just told you."

Jensen rolled his eyes. "Awesome. Well, I have to get back now."

"Why? So you can shout at him or punch his lights out?" Danneel asked. 

"No... just... " 

"Tell me," she insisted. 

The words were there, sitting on his tongue, but his ridiculous heart wouldn't let them out for Danneel to hear. Maybe it was pride, maybe it was the hurt feelings he didn't repair by running, but he couldn't share the truth with her.

He sighed. "Not right now," he said. He balled up the last bit of his lunch in its wrapper and screwed the cap onto his bottle of juice. "I gotta get back to work. Seriously. And no, I'm not going to punch him."

"That's not really your style, anyway," Danneel said.

"No, it's not, but I won't hide a smelly fish under his car seat either," Jensen promised. He leaned over and bussed a kiss to Danneel's temple before giving her shoulders a squeeze with one arm. "I'll text you tonight when I get home, all right?"

"And?"

"And I'll try not to bail on the next pub night," Jensen added.

"Fine," she conceded, her voice softening a little. She turned her head and kissed his cheek. "Be cheerful for Misha, okay? Can't let him think I don't have superpowers."

With a little chuckle, Jensen nodded. "Sure, Dee. Talk later."

His smile lasted until he left the deli and crossed the street. Outside of Danneel's (mostly-)friendly presence, the reminder of what Jared shared with her became his mind's focus. He didn't understand why Jared would just blurt out that they'd dated. Firstly, they'd lived together for two years. Secondly, Jared would never risk his image by suggesting he'd even _dated_ a man. Thirdly, Jared used to understand that Jensen didn't like sharing his personal life with everyone---it was one of the reasons why it took so long for Jensen to be bothered by Jared's refusal to even peek outside of his metaphorical closet.

Jensen thought about those points as he marched back to work. It wasn't a long enough walk for him to build his temper into a full-blown rage, but he had enough anger simmering in his blood as he came back into the studio that he realised he needed to stop and take a couple deep breaths before anyone noticed something was wrong with him.

He stopped in at Gen's desk and asked her if she needed anything. She was their technical director, responsible for a lot of cohesion along the pipeline and for the tools and assets the team of animators used, and Jensen always felt it was good to touch base with her. A few words with her could give him enough information to predict where the project is falling on their schedule, without ever having to ask the stress-inducing question "How far behind are we?"

He waved to Misha from across the bullpen where he was talking with one of the accountants. Misha waved back but didn't chase after him or include him, which gave Jensen the chance to look for Jared. They weren't going to have it out---too much time had passed and Jensen believed he'd said everything he needed to say when they parted ways in Texas---but Jensen wanted to make it clear that he was the one who got to disclose his past to his friends.

It took a few strange circuits of the studio---and a brief pause in the unisex bathroom to take a couple deep breaths---before he made his way to the build department and Jared's desk. His desk was like Jared's and the other senior staff; a desk surrounded on three sides by cubicle walls, so there was a bit of privacy without detracting from his accessibility.

After one more long, deep breath, he bumped his fist against the edge of the barrier around Jared's workspace and peeked inside. Jared was inspecting something that looked like the texture painted on the model of one of the bones, but he looked up when he heard the knock. His eyes widened when he landed on Jensen's face.

"Hey," Jensen said quietly. "Can I have a minute?"

Jared nodded. "Sure. What's up?"

"I... look, you're talented and you'll be a good fit around here with everyone else, so I'm fine with you taking this job," Jensen said, lying through his teeth and hoping it sounded sincere.

Jared's eyes narrowed and his brow furrowed. "Great. I didn't know I needed to check in with you---"

"That's not what I mean."

"Okay. What do you mean?" Jared asked.

Jensen sighed and shook his head. "It doesn't matter."

"So..."

"If you're going to be here, I need to know you're going to respect that I get to choose what I share about my past with my friends," Jensen said.

As what Jensen said registered in Jared's mind, Jared frowned and tilted his head. "But, you... you were never... you never hid who you are before," he said, his voice soft. "Are you... is that different now?"

"No," Jensen replied. "But, I still don't like everyone knowing my business. If I wanted to tell Daneel what happened before we became friends, I'd tell her. You don't get to make that decision for me."

Jared's frown deepened as he nodded. "All right. Yes, you're right. I'm sorry. I thought she knew," he said. "You stormed off and she looked confused... I just wanted to explain a little."

"Next time---"

"Next time?" Jared interrupted. He snorted. "Are you planning on dramatically exiting a room every time I walk in?"

"Don't flatter yourself. That wasn't about you," Jensen said after a snort of his own.

"Sure looked like it."

"Well, it wasn't," Jensen said.

He wasn't sure if he was pushing the issue for Jared or for himself, but he decided it didn't matter as long as they both started believing the lie was the truth.


	3. Chapter 3

"Here you go, guys," Misha said as he put four bottles of beer down on the conference room table.

"Thanks, Mish," Jensen replied.

Jared smiled. "Yeah, thanks."

"Well, thanks right back atcha for staying late all week to help me get the previews out to the client," Misha said.

Jensen snorted. "I was just here for moral support," he said, wrapping his hand around one of the bottles and claiming it as his. 

"Hey, you were my Avid wingman!" Richard exclaimed. "I needed you in there!"

Ignoring Jared's little chuckle, Jensen turned and smiled at Richard. The week after Jared arrived, the client company's representatives suggested they'd like to see some samples of the individual episodes, instead of waiting to see the first one completed. They'd rallied the artists and rolled up their sleeves to join them. Long days, long nights, and one breakdown (when Gen couldn't figure out why one of the models wasn't rendering properly), and the samples were delivered.

Misha decided to reward the junior staff with bonuses to their pay cheques, and while Jensen knew the senior staff would receive that, too, he also appreciated the food and beer that Misha bought for them to show his appreciation in the moment.

Not everyone decided to stay. Mike and Kim stayed long enough to grab an eggroll each; Gen left even earlier, she was packing up and heading out as soon as the final (sample) product had been delivered. Jensen didn't blame them; they'd had a difficult week. He would have left, too, except he was stubbornly refusing to give Jared the satisfaction of seeing him flinch---and it was easier to convince Misha nothing was wrong if he did the things he usually did.

With a few weeks of practice, Jensen was able to more-or-less-successfully suppress his need to escape Jared's presence. He wasn't comfortable with Jared in the studio, but he was settling into a sense of resignation about Jared being there. The rest of the senior staff seemed to love having him as part of the team and the junior artists were roughly a few days away from building a monument in Jared's honour. He wasn't going anywhere; Jensen was learning how to adapt to that fact.

Danneel still wasn't very happy with him. She only thought that Jensen and Jared had dated a little, so every chance she got, she was telling Jensen he needed to get over it. He did need to get over it, but he couldn't tell her that it was going to take more than just jumping back on the horse and finding someone else. He tried that already and it did not go well.

To keep up appearances with his friends, he started inviting them to his home more. The fact that he'd been lucky in all the years he lived in Vancouver, not running into Jared accidentally even once, was a fact he couldn't take for granted. Instead of pressing his luck---because clearly it ran out the day Misha hired Jared---he decided that having his friends to his home would allow him to continue to see them, give them no reason to worry about him becoming a recluse, and keep him from ever crossing paths with Jared while his defences were down.

It worked, for the most part. Misha seemed to believe Jensen had needed real rest and Danneel still knew what she thought she knew, but Mike hadn't had his epiphany yet and Kim hadn't put together enough of the puzzle yet. Apart from them, everyone in their social circles seemed to still be oblivious to the increase in Jensen's stress levels. 

"So, what'll be our next big thing?" Misha asked.

Jensen and Richard shared a look. Richard grinned; Jensen chuckled. About halfway through every project, Misha stopped managing and started looking off into the distance, metaphorically speaking. Some of it was good business, always looking out for the next contract, but some of it was just that Misha was bored.

"What?" Misha asked.

"It's the itch, huh, buddy?" Richard said as he brought his bottle up to his lips. 

"The itch?" Jared repeated.

Richard shared a brief amused look with Jensen before turning to look at their newest addition. "He's done with this now. In his head, it works, it's done. He's itchin' to move on and find the next awesome project," Richard explained. 

"But... there's still so much to do," Jared said. "We're not... these were just five-second samples, if that." 

Jensen had been with Misha's studio long enough to know the drill. He and Richard both knew there would be a period of Misha slowly pulling out, still coming to meetings but no longer participating with the same intensity as before, and then he would go on vacation. He would go climb mountains, explore rainforests, (and/)or build a school, and after a minimum of two months, he would come back with a new project. It was Misha's way, needing to step back and off the path before being able to go forward; Jensen only wished it could happen _after_ the final product was ready to be delivered to their clients.

"Jensen knows what I like," Misha said, shrugging as he reached for one of the containers of food.

"You two have worked together for a while, I'm guessing?" Jared asked.

"Ever since the yoga app," Misha said. He smiled over a forkful of cold-by-that-point noodles. "That was, what? Five years ago, Jen?"

"Yeah, I think so," Jensen replied. "Rolled right into the cellular biology animation series for UVic and UBC after that."

"My precious technical advisor," Misha cooed as he batted his eyelashes in Jensen's direction. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You'd have found someone else," Jensen said. He sipped from his beer bottle. "I'm not the only medical professional looking to avoid clinic work."

Jared frowned. "I thought you liked your patients," he said.

Forcing his eyes to meet Jared's serious face, Jensen tried to think of something to say that wouldn't sound obvious or accusatory. He decided on something close to the truth.

"Let's say I was going through my blue period," he said. "The bad outweighed the good. I needed a change of scenery."

Misha leaned forward, planting his elbow on the table and his chin on his hand. "Your blue period. Sounds dramatic," he commented. He waggled his eyebrows. "Please tell us all about it."

"It's nothing like that, Mish," Jensen said before he snorted out a little laugh.

"Broken heart?" Misha asked.

"Time in the clink?" Richard asked.

Jensen snorted again. "Both, as a matter of fact," he joked. "It was... very _blue,_ if you catch my drift."

With a laugh, Richard tipped the neck of his beer against Jensen's bottle. Misha was grinning between nibbles on one of the last spring rolls. On the other side of the table, Jared was watching him. A hint of a smile curved his lips, but he was too intent on Jensen to look anything other than curious. In response, Jensen did his best to ignore Jared's gaze. His bottle of beer became his focus for a few minutes. 

The conversation turned from Jensen's past to other topics, luckily, starting with Misha's wife and kids and continuing on to the latest video games some of them were playing. As their evening together continued, Jensen found himself participating less and less, settling in to listen as the others interacted. The ache in his chest that developed after the first time he saw Jared in the studio had never really gone away; it faded in intensity as time progressed (or as he grew accustomed to living with it) but it never eased away completely. Seeing Jared joke with Richard and Misha made the ache bloom and made him want to reach up and rub over his sternum to try to ease the fresh hurt.

When his phone started ringing from his jeans' pocket, he thought a prayer of gratitude to the universe for distracting him from his beer-dampened thoughts. Danneel's face was on his screen, grinning up at him, and he smiled back at her as he stood up and made his way around the room to the door.

"Hey, Dee," Jensen said as soon as he accepted the call and put the device to his ear. "You miss me?"

"Always," she said. "You still bein' a grumpy butt?"

"Always."

She laughed in his ear. "That's my Jenny Bean."

Jensen smiled. The nickname wasn't nearly as annoying coming from Danneel as it could be coming from Mike; it was something about the tone she used, laced with more affection than amusement. He cleared his throat and said, "Yeah, yeah. So, what's up?"

Danneel sucked in a deep breath. "Well, I went a little crazy at the market today. Something about an audition going just... _awful,"_ she said. Before Jensen could ask about the audition or try to make her feel better, Danneel plowed on ahead. "And I bought five tubs of ice cream and all the fixings for the most caloric sundaes ever. But, if I eat it all by myself I will be completely grossed out. So, safety in numbers, right? What are you doing tonight?"

"Right now, I'm still at work, but---"

A tap on his shoulder interrupted Jensen's response. He'd wandered towards the front of the studio while chatting and when he turned around he was facing someone he'd never seen before. He was scruffy and tall, built more like an athlete than a manual laborer, and he was smiling. 

"Hang on, Dee," he murmured before lowering the phone. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah. Well, I hope so," the man said. "I'm supposed to be meeting Jared here. Is he still working, or---"

"He's down that corridor," Jensen said, pointing towards the kitchen. "Just follow the sound of laughter."

The stranger smiled. "Thanks, man."

Before Jensen could return to Danneel, Jared appeared. "Stephen, you made it," he said, grinning from ear to ear.

Jensen smiled, too, always having trouble resisting that expression on Jared's face, but no one noticed it before he could squash it down. Jared and Stephen only had eyes for each other. And when Jared put a hand on Stephen's hip and pulled him close for a kiss, Jensen understood why their attention was elsewhere.

He turned his back on them and brought his phone up to his ear.

"Dee?" he said. "You still there?"

"Standing in front of all the ice cream toppings I never wanted ever, yes," she replied. "Please tell me you're coming by to help me."

Behind him, he could hear Jared talking again. "C'mon, let me introduce you to everyone else who stayed late," he said.

"Okay, but when we're late this time, you are taking the blame. Your mother always blames me when we're late to meet them for dinner at the hotel," Stephen said, muttering in more of a playfully pouty tone than anything else judging by the tender smile on Jared's face---that Jensen did not see because he absolutely was not watching them in the reflection of the glass walls around the lobby.

Jensen remembered when Jared used to smile at him like that. The memories made that ache in his chest throb painfully. He gave into the urge and rubbed his free hand over his sternum. 

When their footsteps faded, Jensen sucked in a deep breath. "I will be there as soon as I can get a cab," he promised. "And pick up wine. We need wine."

"Perfect," Danneel agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: Oops! I forgot to add a note here: please don't hate on this version of Jared. There are extenuating circumstances here. It's not all his fault <3


	4. Chapter 4

The night was supposed to be about soothing Danneel's frayed feelings after her lousy audition, but she took one look at him, frowned, and demanded he tell her everything.

Instead of brushing off whatever Jared-related pain he was experiencing, Jensen told her their whole history. He told her about their being roommates and the first time they kissed, about their relationship and how amazing it could be... and then he told her about Jared's refusal to come out, even a little, about how Jensen grew sick of being introduced as his friend or roommate, and about the last big fight they'd had before Jensen decided he needed to get out because he couldn't make Jared change and he couldn't give the last of his heart to a man who had no problem keeping him as a secret.

The ice cream and wine helped, in the way that overindulging can sometimes ease pain, but Danneel's hugs and her fingers in his hair comforted him the most.

"Now, I understand a bit better," Danneel said, once they'd gotten into a comfortable cuddling position, her body in the circle of his, all their limbs tangled together. "Your weirdness the last few weeks, I mean."

"Huh?" Jensen asked.

"He was your first big love."

Truthfully, Jensen was fairly certain Jared had been his only love, ever, but he wasn't about to admit that to Danneel. He felt a little too exposed--- _girly_ was what he was thinking at first, but he chose _exposed_ in case Danneel had mind-reading powers---and he didn't know if he could take revealing that truth on top of all the other truths he'd already shared with her in the last few hours.

"So, we just need to keep you distracted," Danneel said. "We need to go out and dance and you should practice with Jason again, maybe he'll take you on one of his short tours. And we are going to do the spa thing. I need a new look before my next audition because apparently I'm not enough, and you could use a massage and maybe a mani-pedi. Let's sign up for a couples' day and save a bit of money."

Knowing money could be tight sometimes, between contracts or jobs, Jensen kissed the side of her head. "It'll be my treat. You make the appointments, I'll pay," he said, since he'd been in a stable position for a few years where she'd still been doing freelance catering between acting gigs. "And I'll buy you a pair of shoes, too."

"Only if you let me buy us lunch," Danneel stipulated.

"Deal."

"Maybe if we buff and puff and get you back to your usual level of pretty, Jared will realise what he passed up on and---"

"Doubt it," Jensen interrupted. "He's with someone. And his parents are in town, visiting them. It's all very... picture perfect, I'm sure."

Danneel's arms squeezed around him more tightly. "Oh, god, I'm sorry," she murmured. "Fuck, that sucks."

"He's there smiling his big, dopey 'happy to see you' smile and Stephen's all... blond and scruffy and sporty, and all I can think is that I wasn't... I wasn't enough for him to take the risk. We shared everything for a couple years, through thick and thin, but I wasn't enough."

"Maybe Stephen's dick is made of chocolate."

Jensen laughed despite his foul mood. "Sounds messy," he commented.

Danneel kissed his chin. "Sweetheart, I know you're hurting, and I know this is a weird time in your life, especially since you never thought you'd see him again, but you're worth so much," she murmured. "Jared couldn't see how special you are. That's his loss. Even though you feel like your heart's breaking all over again and even though he doesn't seem at all affected, he's missing out on all the goodness of you. You are better than all this moping, and your life is going to improve. You are going to shine this year. I am going to make sure it happens."

"You are, huh?"

"Oh, yeah. It's my new mission."

"I love you, you know that?" Jensen whispered.

He doubted her ability to make him feel better, or to make his situation better, but he never doubted in her love for him and his for her. He didn't know what he'd do without her friendship in his life.

"I know," Danneel murmured.


	5. Chapter 5

When Jensen saw Misha in the kitchen, he did a double take. Misha had bruises and scrapes on his hands, arms, and face; Jensen was certain there were more marks in other places from the way he was stiffly moving while making a cup of tea.

"Mish? What the hell..." 

Jensen stopped talking, put his guitar case on a nearby table, and turned Misha towards him as gently as he could. "What did you get into? Were you attacked?" he asked, tilting himself one way and another to properly examine Misha's visible injuries. "Who did this to you?"

"Me," Misha replied, grinning.

"Did you take up underground fighting this weekend?" Jensen asked.

"Oh, no, we went hiking and climbing," Misha said. "I slipped. Stephen checked me over, I'm fine."

"Because Stephen's a doctor?" Jensen asked.

Misha shrugged. "EMT, actually," he said. "You would've known if you stuck around Friday night. What happened? Danneel have a fashion emergency?"

"Something like that," Jensen replied. He swallowed past his irritation of being excluded from an event that included some of the senior staff, reminding himself that he wouldn't have gone if he had been included, and he reached for his guitar case again. "Well, I'm glad you're gonna be okay, man," he said, at a loss for anything else to say. 

"Are you playing tonight?" Misha asked, gesturing towards the instrument.

"Just a jam session with Jason," Jensen said. "He offered to let me play in a few of his shows, but it's been a long time, so... practice, first. He's picking me up after work."

Misha grinned again. "Awesome! Be sure to tell me when you're on stage, Jen. We'll get everyone together, take up a few tables---"

"Misha..."

"Nope! You come to all of our stuff---you even came to my kids' dance recital last year---and it's been ages since you've gone out and played for the swooning masses. We are going to cheer you on, friend of mine."

"Cheer Jensen on for what?" Mike asked as he came into the kitchen flanked by Jared and Gen.

"Nothing," Jensen said as Misha said, "His next performance."

Mike left the others and wrapped an arm around Jensen's shoulders. As he squeezed Jensen close, he grinned. "Awesome! Jason didn't mention you were playing again---"

"I'm just meeting up with him tonight to see if I can still play, it's not set in---"

"If you can still play," Mike scoffed, cutting off Jensen's attempt to play down his activities. He released Jensen and patted his back with a firm hit. "You and Jason are like the best musical duo out there! I mean, Jason's great on his own, but the two of you together really make the house cry."

Jensen snorted. "Well, that's what we try to do, Mike. Make everyone cry."

Gen smiled at them. "It's been a while. This is great, Jensen."

Reaching up and rubbing the back of his head, Jensen smiled. "Hopefully," he said. "It's no big deal. Just making time to hang out with a friend. I don't even know if I will join him on stage. Right now, it's just getting together to play a little. Y'all are making a big fuss over nothing."

"You could barely stand letting me watch you play and sing," Jared said.

At his comment, Jensen looked from Gen to Jared. He was smiling, but Jensen could see something in his eyes that wasn't all that happy. He seemed... sad. Jensen didn't understand why Jared was sad---especially over his joining Jason on stage. It wasn't a big deal; it wasn't something they had ever shared in Austin. He'd only been a novice player when he and Jared shared an apartment. Back then, he could barely stand playing and singing when he'd been alone.

"I'm allowed to change, too," Jensen said. Realising he sounded a little more prickly than he'd intended to sound, he quickly added, "Besides, after I learned enough, it wasn't so scary to get out there with a little support."

As soon as he realised what he'd said---and saw Jared's smile become even more strained---he wished he could take back all the words he'd said since entering the kitchen. Hurting Jared wouldn't accomplish his goal of seeming indifferent to Jared's presence in his life. Hurting Jared was something he never wanted to do, anyway.

Mike nudged him. "Well, you had a lot of awesome support, if I do say so myself," he said, puffing up his chest.

"Yes, you were a very good, very drunk cheering section," Jensen said. "Until you decided to hit on that gym rat's girlfriend."

Misha laughed. "Oh, yeah! I forgot about that. You---"

"No need to bore Jared with the details," Mike interrupted.

Jensen chuckled and squeezed Mike's shoulder. "Nah, I'm sure if he sticks around you long enough he'll see your special skill set at work once or twice," he teased.

"Why am I friends with you again?" Mike asked.

"Because I'm awesome," Jensen replied.

"And the awesome have to stick together," Mike agreed. "C'mon. This requires more than kitchen coffee. We need fancy, froofy coffee with whipped cream. Let's go, Jenny Bean!"

After another little chuckle, Jensen adjusted his grip on his guitar case and let Mike pull him out of the kitchen. He barely had enough time to leave his instrument by his desk before Mike continued to pull him towards the main exit. Jensen didn't understand why his playing with Jason was worth celebrating, but Mike's insistence that they go get specialty coffee was an escape he didn't have to orchestrate so he was just going to go with it.


	6. Chapter 6

The knock on the edge of his cubicle's tall walls startled Jensen from his thoughts. He'd been looking at the schedule---or going cross-eyed over it---and trying to find a place to tighten their production to give a couple of the junior artists the time off they'd asked to take, and the knock meant he could stop thinking about it so much. He turned, smiling, and froze when he saw Jared standing there.

It never got any easier, no matter how many times they had to meet. Danneel was sure it would, but the clenching sensation in his chest never decreased in intensity; the only thing that changed was Jensen's ability to resist the urge to run or hide. Jared at been with the team for months, and Jensen could force himself to stay put about ninety percent of the time he ended up in the same space as Jared. He felt like he was making progress---but some days, he wasn't so sure. 

"Hi," Jared said. He gestured to Jensen's computer screens. "You got a minute, or am I interrupting?"

"Scheduling issues and giving myself the start of either an ulcer or a headache," Jensen replied. He forced himself to smile again. "It can wait. What's up?"

"Well... I was talking to Richard, and he said something about you guys getting together and putting together the animatics and asset lists for the last few chapters, and he invited me to come," Jared said.

"Okay."

Jared frowned. "Okay, what?"

"Just... waiting for the ball to drop," Jensen said.

"You don't make this easy, you know," Jared commented. He stepped into Jensen's office, instead of lingering in the doorway. "I'm trying. I don't want to make your life any harder, but I'm here now and I'm not leaving any time soon, so maybe you could meet me halfway."

Since Jensen thought he was already trying as hard as he could, Jared's words didn't help his temper---or his impending headache.

"What do you want from me right now?" Jensen asked.

Jared rolled his eyes and sighed. "I want to come to the meeting with you and Richard," he said.

"Then why didn't you just say that? D'you ever think that maybe you're the one making this hard?" Jensen said. "Stop thinking everything is going to bother me. You suddenly pretending to be considerate of my feelings is bothering me---but you wanting to do your job as art director by coming to a meeting where things are decided that directly affect your department doesn't bother me."

"Good. Okay," Jared said. He looked at Jensen, and apparently he was puzzling over what Jensen had said, because then he frowned. "Pretending? Jen---"

He didn't want to get into it, into their mess. He didn't want to reveal how he felt when Jared invited Stephen into the studio, or every time he came into work on Monday and learned that they'd had some of the senior staff (although, usually it was just Misha and his wife) over for dinner. He didn't want to talk about his feelings. Even though they were mostly about Jared,he didn't get a free pass to access them whenever he wanted.

"So, we'll see you at two?" Jensen interrupted.

"When are we going to talk?" Jared asked.

_Never._

"Not here," Jensen said. "And quite frankly, I don't think we have anything left to talk about."

"I can't believe I forgot how stubborn you can be," Jared muttered. He rubbed a hand over his chin and jaw before looking into Jensen's face again. "We're going to talk about this. Someday soon. I can't keep walking around on eggshells around here, and this can't be healthy for you, either---"

"If this is you walking on eggshells you've ground them into dust by now, Jared," Jensen interjected, his voice more of a hiss than anything else. "And you don't get to be concerned about my health. Not anymore."

Jared frowned. "Jen," he said, quietly. "Please don't shut me out."

"Don't you have a job to do?" Jensen asked.

Jared sighed. "Yeah... yeah. Meeting's at two?"

Jensen nodded. When Jared turned and walked out of his office space, Jensen turned back to his computer. He was looking at the production schedule, but he wasn't _seeing_ it. Instead, he was still seeing Jared's face, his happier face when they'd been together as well as the frustrated face he'd seen before Jared left him alone. Danneel might have been one of the smartest, most intuitive people Jensen knew, but Jensen knew she was wrong. It would never get easier dealing with Jared again.

He bowed his head and brought his hands up to support his chin. After he rubbed both palms over his face and inhaled slowly, he felt a hand curl around his forearm.

When he turned his head, he saw Kim sitting in his extra chair. He hadn't even heard her come into his office space. He opened his mouth to tell her something---anything but the truth, really---but she shook her head so he pressed his lips together again.

"Well, this is fucked up, huh?" she murmured.

"You heard?"

"Only a little," she replied. "Just enough to put it some of it together, finally. How're you holding up?"

"I... I don't know," Jensen admitted.

"Sounds about right," she said. "Does anyone else know?"

"Dee and Jason," he replied. "It's been a few years... not his fault I can't deal."

Kim squeezed his arm. "Maybe not, but you should have some support here, too," she said.

Jensen moved his other arm enough so he could put his hand over Kim's hand. "Thanks, Kim," he whispered. "But, I don't want to put you in a difficult spot. You're---"

"That's my job," she said, cutting off his reasoning for why she shouldn't be the one in his corner. "This is friendship. Two different things. I'm here for you, got it?"

"Kim..."

"Got it?" she repeated in a much sterner voice.

Jensen smiled and nodded, ducking his gaze down to their joined hands. "I've got it. Thanks, Kim."

"Now, just tell the rigger and texture artist that they can have their days off if they make up the time in the week before or the week after," she said. "It's not ideal, but we don't get vacation anyway, so if they come in and make up the hours, they can get a full pay cheque. They're happy, you spend less time staring at this awful spreadsheet, and Misha doesn't have to worry about telling the client we're behind schedule."

"You're a genius," Jensen said. "C'mon. For that, I'm treating you to lunch."

It was for more than solving his immediate work issue, and he guessed Kim knew that. But, she didn't bring up the emotional mess and he wasn't going to, either.

"We're not going to the vegan place Gen dragged me to last week," she said as she stood up and moved to the doorway.

"No way. I was thinking burgers and fries and thick milkshakes."

Kim grinned. "Perfect."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a few days ago, I made this video. It's more J2M than J2, because of the EW photoshoot footage I had to use, but "Blame the Musk" is a more J2-y thing, so I hope some of you will be interested in watching it: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBtleUiLYdg> [/semi-shameless self-promotion]


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really struggled with this chapter, so apologies if it's not up-to-snuff.

Having Kim's support didn't change much in Jensen's day-to-day routine. 

As time continued on, as it always did, Jensen grew more comfortable with the situation. He was used to walking the long way to the bathroom, passing the build department to ensure Jared was there and not in the semi-private chamber; he was used to checking the kitchen before ducking inside for more coffee so he couldn't get trapped while getting his fix. Jared didn't follow him and force a conversation; they didn't cross paths outside of the studio, either, so uncomfortable truths weren't being shared in Jensen's off-time.

Jensen knew Jared's last attempt wouldn't be the last, ever. He was so aware of Jared's presence in his world that Jensen didn't miss the glint of determination in Jared's eyes. Jensen didn't understand _why_ Jared wanted to talk it all out---Jared clearly moved past him, he was out and happy and attached, there was no need to talk about their past---but he still tried to remain on the look-out for any moments Jared might perceive as openings to start a conversation.

It didn't always work. Luckily, the first time Jared tried to capitalize on Jensen's distraction, Kim was there.

He'd been on his way to a late lunch, by himself, and Jared was walking after him as he made his way to the exit. Jensen knew there was nowhere he could go to escape because Jared would see where he walked outside the building and he remembered that he couldn't outrun him even when he'd been in good shape. Jared was going to follow him to lunch and force a talk on him; there was nothing to be done except hurry to escape the lobby of the studio to keep their conversation from becoming entertainment for everyone else on the floor. 

Kim pounced just as Jensen was hurrying to the door. "Sorry!" she yelped. "I know I said I'd be ready to go, but I was running late, and---" she broke off and gestured around wildly. "You know."

Jensen didn't know, but he smiled and put his arm around her shoulders. "Yeah," he agreed. "All set?"

"Are you?" she asked. "Because I have a shopping list and you are going to help me find all of it. Move it or lose it, Ackles! You promised!" 

"Are there shoes on this list, because I may have to re-evaluate our friendship," Jensen said as she continued to push into him so that he had no choice but to leave the studio.

It wasn't until they rounded the block and ended up in a--- _goddamnit_ \---shoe store that either of them addressed the ruse Kim had used. Jensen was sitting on a bench, in front of a pair of boots covered in way too many sharp steel studs, when he looked up at her.

"You don't think he'll become suspicious when we return and have no bags?" Jensen asked.

She smiled and shrugged. "We've got cover. Last night's shopping trip for Bri's welcome back bash is in my car," she said. "Now, before I buy these and have to find a terrifying place to go so I can wear them," she added, pointing at the spiky boots, "how about we go get lunch?" 

"My treat?"

"Damn right it is," she replied. She smiled more. "We'll go to the coffee shop two streets over."

"Why do I feel like I'm buying your friendship?" Jensen asked.

Laughing as she threaded her arm through his, Kim pulled him to his feet. "Think of it like you're investing in our friendship," she said. "Besides, there will be times when I'm a mess. There _were_ times when I was a mess. You helped then."

"I think I still bought you food."

"Hey, you make more money than me, pal. I'm only a lowly lead," she said, guiding him to the door.

Jensen smiled. As soon as they were outside, he moved his arm so he could wrap it around her shoulders. "Do you mind that we hired Jared?" he asked. "I didn't even think, with all my stuff going on... I mean---"

"I knew overseeing everyone, acting as some sort of asset manager... it's temporary," she interrupted. "And it's not what I want to be doing, anyway."

"You don't want to be an art director?" Jensen asked.

She shook her head. "Nah. My end goal is more like... getting a gig doing those fancy sculpts that get printed into toys and models for all the nerds," she replied.

"Really?"

She nodded. "I do some freelance modelling when I get a few free minutes, have a few models that I sell at events and online," she said.

"That's... awesome," Jensen murmured as he gave her shoulders a squeeze. "I had no idea. You're gonna have to show me them some time. If... if it's not too private."

"That sounds good," Kim agreed.

"Why didn't you tell me that before?" Jensen asked.

Kim shrugged. "Never really came up," she replied. "I don't like talking about work so much when we're with the others," she said, referring to the eclectic band of friends they shared. "Kind of like keeping it here, y'know?"

"Oh yeah," Jensen agreed.

"And in the beginning it was private. Something I wasn't sure I'd be any good at," Kim added.

"I can understand that," he said.

Kim nudged him in his side. "I bet. You and all your secrets," she teased.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jensen asked, even though he had a pretty good idea of what she meant.

He had a hard time sharing personal details with his friends. At first, he would say he didn't know them well enough. Then, he used the personal-versus-professional excuse when he could. Danneel and Jason got more out of him than anyone else, but only because he felt like those thoughts and happenings, when things did happen to him, were safer with the people he didn't see every day. Opening up to the people he cared about was hard; he didn't see himself changing the way he was any time soon.

"Tell me a secret," Kim said.

"Seriously?"

She grinned at him as they walked. "Yep. Right now. Something no one else knows."

"I'm working on a cover of 'You Oughta Know,'" he said.

"Jensen!"

As they came to a stop at a set of lights, he looked down at her again. "What? Not even Jason knows about that."

"Is it helping?"

"A little, yeah."

Kim smiled. "You should tell Jason. Work it into the set list."

"You don't think it's a little bitchy?" Jensen asked.

Her smile turned into a smirk. "A little. But... it's gotta go somewhere, right?"

"Either that or I have to try to not go to pieces every time we run into each other," Jensen admitted.

The light changed and they set off for the other side of the intersection. Kim nudged him with her body; Jensen found the extra weight of her contact comforting.

"You're tougher than that," she murmured.

Jensen shook his head. "Not that much tougher," he muttered. Once they were on the sidewalk again, he glanced at her and asked, "Hey, how did you know to come rescue me?"

"He's not very discreet once I figured out what I'm looking for," she replied. "He'd been watching you move around the studio for the last hour or so---but he got tense when you started getting ready to go out."

"The man gets tunnel vision like you wouldn't believe," Jensen said.

Kim snorted. "You gonna keep evading him?"

"As long as I can," Jensen said. "He wants to talk about things from five years ago. And I'm still trying to move on."

"Maybe you need to talk about it," she said.

After another little shake of his head, Jensen said, "I said all I needed to say when we broke up."

Kim nodded and said, "All right. If you say so."

They stopped at the coffee shop. Jensen hated that he had to peek in the windows first, just in case Jared somehow deduced where they were really going, but he did it anyway. Kim waited for him to nod before she slipped out from under his arm and opened the door.

Jensen's stomach rumbled as soon as he took a deep breath and scented the fresh baked bread on the air. As if she knew what caught his attention, Kim smiled and walked with him to the counter.

Food was all they talked about until they were settled in a booth near the back of the café. Knowing Kim and knowing she would bring up his messy relationship history as soon as they were seated, Jensen braced himself for more questions.

Kim didn't disappoint him. As soon as she'd swallowed a forkful of her pasta salad, she leaned forward and said, "So. How are you doing? Really."

Jensen shrugged. That question was an armed landmine of possibilities. Any time someone asked him how he was doing, the truth and lie warred for the privilege to be spoken.

"Jensen."

"It's... hard," he said. "I'm not the same guy I was when we were living together, but seeing him... I can't stop thinking about what might have been if I'd stayed. And then I'm beating myself up for thinking like that because I know I couldn't have stayed."

Kim's eyes widened. "You ended things?"

"Well. Yeah. It's..."

"Complicated?" she supplied.

"Sort of."

With a little smile, Kim said, "So I feel like I'm coming in halfway through the movie. You don't have to tell me, but..."

Jensen winced. "I... okay. So, we started out as roommates. He had his art thing, I was practicing physio. It helped to share rent and living expenses, especially when I was still getting used to running the clinic, and I didn't like living alone," he said. "And we got along really well. I'm talkin'… we were spending nearly all our free time together. We... we really hit it off.

"And then... because I'm an idiot, I fell for him. The curse of being me, I guess," he said. He shrugged. "He surprised me. Kissed me when we were cooking together one night. Just... blindsided me."

Kim pouted. "Aww, romantic."

After a little huff of laughter, Jensen nodded. "Yeah, it was," he agreed. "I knew he'd only ever dated women before, so I didn't want to push him, but when Jared sets his mind to something..."

"The Pada-laser focus."

He nodded again. "Yep. He wasn't ready to come out, but he wanted to explore whatever we had going on between us," he said. "I understood. I wanted to give him all the time in the world to get used to the new terrain. And I did. You can't force anyone to come out---well, you can't and still be a decent human being, anyway. I never would have forced him. I couldn't hurt him like that. But, as weeks became months, and months became a couple years..."

"No change?" Kim asked.

Wrapping his hands around his cup of coffee, Jensen shook his head. "Nope. I was 'my roommate' or 'my best friend,' to everyone. If we went to a party or bar, I had to sit back and watch girls hit on him, watch him flirt back... had to sit back and watch as his brother set him up on blind dates. He kept telling me he wasn't ready, he was scared of losing his family, but he said he loved me. And after a while... I felt like I was his secret shame. And I just... I hit a point when I felt like if I didn't get out, that was all I'd ever be.

"He's not a bad guy. He was scared. I get that. Coming out wasn't easy for me and I know it can be worse," Jensen continued. "But I wanted a relationship I didn't have to hide. I was ready for something serious. I thought I needed a clean break---to not be reminded of everything. And now he's back, and with a guy, and he's out... and I find out he's lived here for years, and it's... a lot."

It took him a few minutes to summon the strength to look at Kim. When he did, he saw her eyes on his, a little shinier than they were the last time he looked at her.

"You need the biggest hug ever," Kim murmured.

Jensen smiled a bit. "I'm okay. I'm getting by. It's my own fault I can't just move on and be friends with the guy."

"Jensen."

"Okay, fine. I _will be_ okay. Eventually," he amended. "I just really don't want to talk to him about all of this. I don't want him to know how much it messed me up."

She nodded. "Well, I can understand that."

"But?"

"But you might feel better if you tell him how you feel," she said.

"I tried before we broke up. He got mad... felt like I was pressuring him. And maybe... maybe I was, in a way," Jensen said. He shrugged and wiped one hand over his face. "Look, it's all in the past. I know I need to nut up and deal. He's not going anywhere any time soon, and neither am I... I don't think."

Kim shook her head. "Running isn't going to solve this."

"I know. Right now, I know he's out in the city, but I don't... have memories with him wrapped up in all my favourite places," Jensen said. "I'm okay here for now."

"Danneel said you've become a shut-in."

Jensen snorted. "I go out sometimes. And I have them over. It's fine."

"Liar."

"I'm just trying to find my new normal, all right?"

She nodded. "All right," she agreed. "But, you can't let him stop you from doing the things you like to do. Like, going to play with Jason. In public. I think you should play that cover. And any other angsty break-up songs you have in your catalogue."

"Jason said almost the same thing," Jensen admitted.

"Are you gonna?"

Jensen shrugged. "Maybe. I'm... I'm leaning towards it."

"Good. I think that's a step in the right direction," Kim declared. "I mean, art is there for expressing feelings more than anything else. If you can't tell him to his face what you're thinking and feeling, then you can put it out into the universe in a song or two or five."

Before he could say anything in response, Kim came around to his side of the booth and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He thought about pulling back, but she was supportive and there and he really wanted to feel close to someone. She allowed him to (at least) postpone more uncomfortable conversation with Jared; she cared enough about him to listen. He knew he was lucky to have people like her, Mike, Danneel, and Jason in his life. For a moment, he decided to give in and enjoy the comfort she offered.


	8. Chapter 8

"You ready?"

Jensen looked at Jason, who was smiling through his beard, in his dumb cap and his shirt that said "Team Jen" in obnoxiously bold lettering, and he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Why are you wearing that?"

Jason grinned. "To show my support, man!" he exclaimed.

"I've been up there with you before, I'll be fine," Jensen said.

"What about---"

Jensen waved a hand dismissively. "Misha and Richard don't know I'm here tonight," he said. "I'll let them know about another night, yes, but..."

The way Jason looked down followed by the pink hue developing in his cheeks caught Jensen's attention. Jensen came to a stop slowly, before the end of his sentence, and he glared at Jason.

"You told Rob."

Raising his hands defensively, Jason said, "We play together in a band!"

"Are they all coming tonight?" Jensen asked.

"Honestly, I don't know," Jason replied. He clapped a hand to Jensen's shoulder. "It's going to be fine. I've got your back. Anyone asks why you're singing those songs, you tell 'em I'm trying to capitalize on the broken hearts in the bar."

"But---"

"You told me you need this."

Jensen sighed. "I told you I think I might need this," he said. "Completely different."

"Nope," Jason said, grinning at him. "Pretty much the same. The crowd's gonna be friendly. We never have a bad time playing together. And I am one hundred percent behind you going all Lilith Fair on me if it gets you through---"

"There's a Bruno Mars song in the first set!" Jensen interjected. When Jason's grin refused to dim, he added, "And I'm not doing the Lisa Loeb song."

"I think you should," Jason said. "Our last song is gonna be 'Brother,' I know, but you should do that song first. Hit 'em in their weepy places with that voice you hide, and then we go in strong at the end with a strong supportive song. A happy ending!"

"Jason."

"Think about it?"

Jensen sighed again and nodded. "Yeah. Okay. I'll think about it."

"Good! Now, let's go out there and please the drinking masses!"

When he followed Jason onto the small stage at the back of the bar's main room, Jensen avoided looking into the crowd. He didn't want to know if his friends and coworkers were out there. He knew Dani and Mike would probably be there, for Jason as much as for him, but he didn't want to know if Richard, Misha, and Rob (along with anyone else from the studio) managed to make it. He didn't want to know they would witness the singing of his pain and frustration.

"Hey, guys," Jason said into the main microphone after he slung his guitar strap around his neck and shoulder. "It's great to be back in Vancouver! It's not my hometown, but man, y'all make it feel like it is. I love it here, and I love playing the Revel Room. You're an amazing crowd---" he paused for a few cheers, and both he and Jensen joined in "---and I can't wait to share my latest work.

"Now, you may have noticed I'm not up here alone. This guy---" Jason turned and gestured at Jensen "---has been up here with me before but it's been a _looong_ time. Jensen's one of my best friends and he's talented to boot! I wish I could drag him around with me every time I'm on a stage. So, tonight, y'all are lucky enough to get to hear him backing me up _and_ singing some songs on his own."

Jensen rolled his eyes, but he was smiling when he looked at Jason.

"He's too modest, guys," Jason said to the crowd. "But, seriously. You like what you hear, give this delicate flower some love, and I'll do my best to make sure he gets some space on my next album."

The crowd cheered and clapped. Within the generic buzz of the audience, Jensen thought he could hear Richard's voice, but he didn't look for it. He kept his eyes on the first couple of rows, which seemed to be safe of any emotional bombs, and looked at Jason when he needed a break from the unfamiliar faces.

"Jen, you wanna start us off?" Jason asked.

Jensen leaned forward, into his own microphone. "I think they came to hear you sing, man," he replied.

"Guys, if I promise to back-up Jensen's sweet, sweet vocals, is it all right if Jensen opens the show?"

When the crowd cheered again, Jensen laughed softly before speaking into his microphone. "You bribed them?" he asked. "Offered them free drinks or something?"

"I'm insulted that you think I'd stoop to that level," Jason shot back, smirking.

He hadn't gone that far and he would never have to do anything like that; Jensen knew the crowd that came to watch Jason's shows were loyal and enthusiastic, and they would support Jason through almost anything during one of his performances.

Jensen chuckled. "I know, I know... I apologise. All right. I'll start us off---if you promise to bring the cheer back with one of your mash-ups."

"Deal, brother," Jason said before he clapped his hand to the back of Jensen's shoulder.

After clearing his throat, Jensen strummed his fingers across the strings of his guitar once, to check the levels and then he smiled out at the crowd he hoped remained faceless as long as he was on stage.

He played the first few chords, picking at his strings in the rhythm he'd been practicing, and then he started to sing.

_"I want you to know... that I'm happy for you,"_ he sang, his voice as quiet as his soft playing. _"I wish nothing but... the best... for you both."_

His playing grew louder as he applied more force through his hand. His voice increased in volume, too.

_"A better version of me? Is he perverted like me? Would he go down on you in a theatre?"_ Jensen continued. _"Does he speak eloquently? And would he adopt your baby? I'm sure he'd make a really excellent father."_

Jason's foot nudging his was the only warning he received before he heard Jason beatboxing along with his vocals as he continued to sing.

_"Cuz the love that you gave that we made wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide---no! And every time you moan his name does he know how you told me you'd hold me until you die, til you die? But you're still alive---"_

In a feat of coordination that always amazed Jensen, Jason kept up making the beat noise as he joined in further by playing on his guitar.

_"---and I'm here, to remind you... of the mess you made when you hid away,"_ Jensen continued. _"It's not fair, to deny me, of the cross I bear that you gave to me. You, you, you oughta know!"_

Jensen grinned down at the floor as the bar cheered along with their strange version of a classic break-up song. He played the melody and Jason supported him with the right chords; Jensen played his way into the next section, feeling more of the freedom he felt every time he and Jason had practiced together in the last few weeks. 

He quieted and slowed down his playing before leaning back towards his microphone. _"You seem very well, things look peaceful,"_ he sang. _"I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know._

_"Did you forget about me, Mister Duplicity? I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner. It was a slap in the face, how easily you changed your face, and are you thinking of me when you fuck him?"_

The crowd cheered as the music swelled again.

_"Cuz the love that you gave that we made wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide---no! And every time you moan his name does he know how you told me you'd hold me until you die, til you die? But you're still alive---"_ Jensen paused and raised his hand towards the ceiling, before bringing it down and strumming even louder _"---and I'm here, to remind you... of the mess you made when you hid away,"_ Jensen continued. _"It's not fair, to deny me, of the cross I bear that you gave to me. You, you, you oughta know!"_

_"Cuz the joke that you tricked into bed, that was me, and I'm not gonna fade as soon as you close your eyes---"_

_"And you know it,"_ Jason added, during a break between rhythms of mouth sounds.

Jensen caught his smirk and grinned back at him. _"And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back, I hope you feel it---"_

_"Well, can you feel it?"_ Jason echoed. 

As the song neared the end, Jensen's strumming slowed and quieted and he changed his voice to match. 

_"So I'm here, to remind you, of the mess you made when you hid away,"_ Jensen sang. _"It's not fair, to deny me, of the cross I bear that you gave to me. You, you, you oughta know..."_

He pulled his hand away from the guitar, raising his fist to the air, before he brought it down to gently smother the vibrating strings.

Mike's boisterous cheering and Danneel's sharp whistle were the first sounds Jensen picked out of the applause. The rest didn't matter. He tuned out all of it, thanking the crowd before turning into Jason and receiving a one-armed hug for his efforts.

"Dude!" Jason exclaimed near his ear. "You are so playing that one again!"

Jensen laughed. He pulled back enough to meet Jason's eyes and then he put his hand on Jason's chest. "Thank you," he said. "For getting me playing again. For... this. For all of it."

"I got your back," Jason said.

Before Jason turned back to the audience, they shared a grin. Jason chatted with the audience for a few minutes; then he played one of the mash-ups that had gained him so much popularity online. Jensen played along, singing backup vocals the way they'd practiced, and he did that for the next two songs after that before Jason introduced Jensen's version of "Grenade."

From there, they played a few more of Jason's latest songs before their duet version of a Van Morrison song. Once they'd finished singing, Jason announced they'd be back in twenty minutes. Jensen stayed with Jason, wanting a little moral support when facing their friends, even though he really wanted to disappear into a dark shadow somewhere and avoid everyone.

Gen, Jared, Kim, Misha, Danneel, Richard, Rob, Mike, and Tom, Mike's on-and-off boyfriend, were crowded around a couple small tables. Danneel stood up and hugged Jason, planting a glossy kiss to his cheek; Jensen avoided the lip gloss attack by pulling her in as close as he could and kissing the top of her head.

"You're amazing," she murmured. "I wish Chris were here to see this."

"I'm sure you sent some video to him and Steve," Jensen teased.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said. She swatted him as she pulled back and out of his arms. "Seriously, Jen. I am so glad you are doing this. And if you don't get at least two phone numbers out of tonight, you owe me fifty bucks."

Jensen laughed. "Sure, Dee," he said, before he was being pulled into Mike's arms for another hug. "Hey, what's all this?" he asked.

"You rock, Ackles," Mike said, his voice low but close to his ear. "And I finally figured it out, so I owe you so much free booze the next time I'm kicking your ass on your XBox."

After a snort, Jensen slapped his back. "When I'm kicking your ass? Sure," he agreed.

Mike leaned back and cupped the sides of Jensen's head in his hands. "Seriously? You all right?" he asked as they looked into each other's eyes. "Do I need to be a jerk, or---"

"Nah, I'm working on it," Jensen admitted. Needing a change in subject, he said, "So, Tom's back in town, huh? When were you gonna tell me?"

"It's... it's complicated."

"You good?"

Mike smiled and nodded. "Yeah."

"Good."

Jensen punctuated their conversation with a squeeze to Mike's shoulder. He turned to the rest of the group and settled on Tom. With his dark hair, blue, eyes and well-put-together face, Tom could've been a model instead of the travelling photographer that he devoted more than ten years of his life to being. He smiled and Tom smiled back.

"You're back in town, man!" Jensen said as he offered a hand to Tom. "For how long this time?"

"Six months at least," Tom replied. He smiled. "I'm putting together a book."

"That's great," Jensen said. "It's good to have you back."

"We'll have to make some time and catch up," Tom suggested. "Mike's been trying to keep me filled in, but we get distracted."

"Can you blame me?" Mike asked.

Jensen chuckled and shrugged. "Probably not," he agreed. He looked back at Tom. "Next time I'm cooking for the gang, you have an invitation. You have to bring the booze though."

After a grin and a nod from Tom, Jensen turned his attention to greeting the others around the tables. Rob stood up for a hug---he was shy, but gave the best hugs when he was in the mood for being close to people---and told Jensen how much he loved the set. He made his way around the table, squeezing Richard's and Misha's shoulders as he passed, before kissing the top of Kim's head and moving around the table again to greet Gen and Jared.

He was saved from having to talk to Jared by Jason's appearance at his side and the introduction that Kim provided. When one of the servers came over with a fresh round of drinks, Misha put a beer in his hand.

"You need to hydrate, my friend," Misha declared.

With a smile, Jensen nodded and sat down opposite him, with his back to the stage. "So, y'all are enjoying the show?" he asked.

Misha shot him a stern look. "Duh, dummy."

Jensen snorted.

"You're going to go on the road with him, right?" Gen asked.

"I... probably not," Jensen said. "He talks a good game, but we both know he's the artist of the group. I just cover songs or back him up---and he doesn't need me to sound good."

"Well, first, I call bullshit," Misha said, "and second, it's the world's loss."

"Thanks, Mish," Jensen said before drinking some of his beer.

A heavy, but familiar, weight landed on his shoulder. Jason leaned down and murmured in his ear, "I'm gonna hit the head and get back out there. Come on stage before 'Soul,' all right?"

"You still doing 'Take it Easy' before it?"

"Yeah."

With a nod, Jensen turned his face towards Jason. "I'll come on around then, then," he said. "And... thanks."

"I'm on Team Jen, remember?"

Jensen laughed as Jason clapped his shoulder and moved away. The laughter started out real, but when he met Jared's eyes and saw _something_ brewing there, he had to force it to continue. He silently prayed Misha or Richard would start another conversation and drag him into it; he silently cursed when Rob caught their attention and left him sitting with Gen, Jared, and Kim looking at him. 

"You're really good, Jensen," Jared said. 

His smile was small, but it was the one Jensen knew as his most sincere. It made an appearance in gentle or shy moments; it only ever came with the truth, without artifice of any kind. Feeling a bit of the warmth Jensen once felt for Jared, separated from the harder emotions, he smiled back at Jared. 

He hadn't meant to make eye contact, or to hold it for so long, but Jared's smile drew him into his gaze and before Jensen knew it they were staring at each other. 

"Alanis Morissette cover aside," Gen added, catching his attention and ending their strange moment, "is what he means." 

"Look, I gotta go where the muse takes me," he said, hoping his tone landed somewhere around joking and nowhere near unsettled or serious. "And sometimes, that's back to nineties' classics."

"I thought you were gonna say 'angry chick music,'" Kim teased.

"Those _ladies_ can really bring it---no matter their collective mood," Jensen said, tipping his beer bottle in her direction. Kim cackled, her eyes sparkling in the dim light of the club. She looked pleased by what he was saying. "And I am simply paying homage to a few of them."

"Who's up next?" Gen asked. "Fiona Apple? Paula Cole?"

"Sadly, they are way outta my range," Jensen replied. "Don't worry. I've got something in my song book to take you back to your tortoiseshell glasses and Doc Martens days."

"I've never left those days behind," Gen shot back, kicking her feet up over the arm of her wooden chair. Jensen laughed when he saw the boots she was wearing. "Don't knock the classics."

"Wouldn't dare," Jensen said, remembering his younger self and the comfort he'd found in hoodies, hemp necklaces, and his own pair of thick-soled boots.

Jason got back on stage, said something about Jensen giving him a chance to steal the spotlight back for himself, and played one of his older songs. The soft crooning settled Jensen's partially-frayed nerves---like it always did---and he leaned back in his chair. When Danneel sat down next to him and put her sock-covered feet in his lap, he smiled and curled his free hand around her ankles.

"You good?" she asked.

He tilted his head her way. "I'm better than yesterday," he said.

"And yesterday was better than the day before," she added. He nodded. She leaned forward, taking one foot back so she could get close enough to kiss his cheek. "Proud of you, you know," she whispered.

"Dee..."

"Suck it up, buttercup."

Jensen chuckled and gave her ankle a squeeze. She settled back in her chair and sipped at what looked like some sort of whisky in a tumbler. Not having anything else to say, Jensen shared a smile with her and then with Kim; he couldn't feel Jared eyeing him and he was beginning to feel like he would adapt and they would find some less-weird ground between them---maybe even a version of the friendship they'd both lost.

Of course, Jensen forgot about his lousy luck.

As Jason started playing the opening of "Take it Easy," Gen knocked back the last of her cocktail and picked up her phone. She looked at its lock screen and showed it to Jared.

"I thought you said Stephen was coming," she said. "He's gonna miss the second set if he doesn't hurry his cute butt up."

Jared laughed. "I'm going to tell him you think he's got a nice ass."

"Go ahead. And if either of you want to invite me for a more private viewing---"

Having heard enough, Jensen patted Danneel's legs before moving them off of his lap. It was easy to tune out Gen's (mostly) teasing offer if he focused on the music Jason was putting out into the space; he used his friend's voice and guitar to lure him back to the stage and by the time Jason was ready to play "Soul," Jensen was back on stage and receiving the applause that Jason curried for him.

They sang through a couple of Jason's songs, Jensen playing back-up to Jason's ridiculously smooth voice. Jensen tried not to look back to where he knew his friends and co-workers were sitting, but he saw when Stephen joined them and he saw when a lot of them greeted Jared's boyfriend with hugs.

He knew that the situation didn't call for choosing sides, so it wasn't betrayal, but it still stung a little.

"You gonna do the song?" Jason asked as they stepped away from the microphones to play a bridge, shifting into another key like they practiced, like it was no work at all. When Jensen nodded, he smiled and nodded. "Good. Two more."

Jensen tried not to think too much about the last song he'd sing by himself. His first two solo covers were more about the anger and frustration he'd been feeling, but the song he'd sing in the encore felt like a sad good-bye or at least like gently, but firmly, closing a door.

It needed to be done. He needed to close that door on the damage. He needed to figure out what was next for him. He needed to put his less-than-platonic feelings for Jared in his rearview mirror (again).

All he had to do was sing the sad song and then Jason would bring the house down with his rendition of "Brother," and then he could go home and wallow---or he could when he convinced Dani and Jason he wouldn't spend the rest of the night moping in the dark.

When it came time for him to step up and sing all on his own, the apprehension faded as his need to express his thoughts took over.

"I swear, guys," he said into his microphone, "next time, I'm sure I'll have some cheerier songs."

Jason's hand landed on his back. "Don't worry about it, man," he said, leaning into Jensen's space to share the microphone. "Artists feel deeply!"

A few people in the audience clapped and voiced their agreement with little cheers. Jensen pulled a face, sticking his tongue out at Jason, and then he turned back to the audience and closed his eyes. When he felt calm and ready, he strummed the first few notes of his last song.

_"I didn't come this far,"_ he sang, _"for you to make this hard for me... and now you want to ask me 'how?' It's like how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?"_

Jensen paused his playing, remembering the way they'd turned the song into something of their own, and he sang with Jason's voice as his only accompaniment.

_"How does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?"_

A few chords and beats later, Jensen was back to singing with music. _"Why did you come here? You weren't invited... and you're on the outside, fine, but you stay on the outside,"_ he sang. _"And now you want to ask me 'why?' It's like how does your heart beat, and how do you cry?_

_"How does your heart beat?"_

Jason joined him in playing the bridge, something they'd altered a little from the original song to be less sweet and more frustrated, and he sang a harmony to Jensen's vocals as he continued the cover.

_"And there are some things that I'd like to figure out. But there are some things I can do without,"_ Jensen sang. _"Like you and your excuses that went on forever. And you and the people you thought were friends..._

_"With all the things that you could be, you never did learn how to treat me,"_ he continued, his voice softening as their guitar playing slowed, _"and now you want to ask me 'how?' It's like..._

_"How does your heart beat and why do you breathe?"_

Jensen's playing stopped and Jason quietly plucked out a few more notes.

_"How does your heart beat and why do you breathe?"_ they sang together, in the harmonic way they'd practiced over the last couple of weeks.

When they stopped singing and playing, no one reacted. For a brief moment there was silence and Jensen thought he screwed up in picking that song to perform. His heart tightened in his chest; he readied an apology. Before he could say anything, though, the audience erupted into cheers and whistles. Their appreciation of his performance set him blushing all the way up to the top of his head, he was sure, judging by the heat in his skin.

Jason didn't touch him until he thanked the crowd. Then, there was a familiar arm around his shoulders and shouted encouragement in his ear.

"Fuck, man, you killed that!" Jason said. "Promise me you can come do this set in a couple other cities. Please, I'm _this close_ to begging on my knees."

On a high from the performance and its reception, Jensen laughed and said, "Give me the dates when you know. I'll see how they line up with the production schedule."

Jason planted a kiss right on Jensen's mouth and pulled back laughing.

"Crazy fucker," Jensen muttered.

Still laughing, Jason turned to one of their microphones. "This beautiful man just told me he'd think about joining me for a few of my other shows, of course I had to kiss him," Jason told them. "You guys are the first to hear him shine, but if I have anything to say about it, you won't be the last!"

"We gonna do the last song or do you want to keep talkin'?" Jensen asked.

"Killjoy," Jason teased. He laughed and looked at the crowd. "All right! Thank you Revel Room! You are easily my favourite crowd, so warm and welcoming every time I'm back in Vancouver. One more song, and then I've got to send you out into the night so the amazing staff here can do their jobs and get out of here before the sun rises."

At Jason's cue, Jensen started strumming the opening chords to their last song of the night. Jason nodded at him and turned back to the crowd. "Let's dedicate this one to our families---especially the ones we make," Jason said. "To those people who have our backs, through thick and thin, and whose backs we have in return."

He sucked in a sharp breath and started singing.

By the time they finished "Brother," Jensen was feeling much more relaxed than he'd felt going into the show. He knew he'd have to face their group of friends once more before heading out, but he also knew the safety of home was waiting for him.

As long as he could get past everyone without having to explain why he picked the songs he sang, it would be one of the best nights he'd had since Jared came back to Vancouver.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little snippet. I've been struggling a lot lately. I might get the next longer, fuller chapter out this week, but I don't want to promise anything.

Mike gave him three days before he appeared on Jensen's front steps. Jensen figured it was because of Tom, and he'd never been more glad for the photographer's return to Vancouver. He was sick of telling everyone the sad (and ridiculous, he was beginning to think) .

Surprisingly, though, Mike didn't ask for details. He showed up on Jensen's stoop with a case of fancy microbrewery beer---a sure sign that Tom is staying with him because Tom doesn't like Coors or Keith's or whatever else Mike will buy because it's on sale---and asked all of two questions.

"All I want to know is: was he a dick to you?" he said as he shuffled out of his sneakers. "And is there anything I can do to help?"

"It's all good," Jensen replied, relieved Mike wasn't going to push. "C'mon. I just started watching those street racing movies. Needed to let my brain bleed a bit."

"Perfect, but you didn't answer my first question."

"He wasn't a dick. He was... look, it just didn't work out, like lots of relationships don't," Jensen admitted. He was getting better at abbreviating the past, but he wasn't sure that it was doing Jared any favours. "I didn't know he was going to end up working for Misha. In any other universe, I'd be fine. Having him here is just... messing with my head."

Mike looked at him, studying him closely, before he nodded and backed into the living room. "Well. It's doing wonders for your music," he said. He gestured at Jensen's guitar. "You doing any writing?"

"Not yet," Jensen replied.

"You posting videos on Jason's YouTube channel?"

Jensen snorted. "Definitely not."

"I think you should."

"Drop it. It's not gonna happen," Jensen said. He pointed to the couch. "Sit. Tell me about Tom. Tell me anything that isn't related to work or my singing or my ex."

"You are such a buzzkill."

Jensen laughed and joined him in front of the television.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. It's been a while. I am struggling with this story. Not ready to abandon it yet, but it might not be until after NaNoWriMo that I get another chapter posted. If this chapter doesn't feel right, I apologise. I am out of practice.

"C'mon, pretty boy, I need to dance with you, like, right now. It's been too long."

Jensen looked up from his margarita to see Briana's hand waving in front of him. After a snort, he put down his drink and took her hand in his. She'd been away for a few months, performing in a revival of _Mamma Mia!_ in Toronto, and if she wanted to dance with him he could give her that. It wasn't a hardship; he missed her while she was away. 

"All right, but when I step on your feet, don't give me your big, sad eyes," he replied, shouting a little to be heard over the music. 

Briana pushed her blonde hair out of her face and laughed. She pulled him into the crowd but when they were amid the dancing pairs it was Jensen's turn to pull her. He couldn't dance as well as some of the couples on the floor, but he knew the basics. He could keep up with Briana's enthusiastic steps and swinging hips with moves of his own.

After he sent her out spinning and reeled her back into his body, she did the same for him. Forgetting that he was out with a combination of the senior staff and their mutual friends, Jensen laughed and rocked his hips from side to side and danced more freely than he'd dared in a long time.

"That's it, Ackles!" she crowed. She guided him back into her arms and let him take her hand and waist to guide them through a few more steps. "Everything's better when you're dancing, right?" she asked, smiling a little more softly than she'd been when they first joined the other dancers.

"Dee or Kim?" Jensen asked.

The joy he'd been feeling was slowly leaking out of him. It was a pity dance, not a fun dance. 

Briana rolled her eyes. "Kim, duh," she said as Jensen rocked her in time to the music. She righted herself and smoothed her free hand over his shoulder and down his back. "So. How's it all going?"

"It's just peachy," Jensen replied. "Now, if dance therapy's over---"

"You really are a persnickety old man under all that hotness aren't you?" Briana asked.

"You have no idea how sick I am of telling all my sad secrets," Jensen said. "How would you feel in my position, having to share your big pain to anyone who matters when they figure it out?"

"It would suck," Briana said. "And that's why I'm not going to ask for details. But, I am gonna make sure you get out of that dark corner you've been hiding in all night. You are wearing your fancy pants and they need to be out here on the dancefloor."

As they swayed and swung around the space, Jensen snorted and made sure to catch her eyes before he said what he felt needed to be said every time Briana took him for a spin at a club. "You are not setting me up with any of your theatre friends," he told her in the firmest voice he could muster.

"Roger that."

Jensen smiled as he pulled her in closer, leaving no space between their bodies. "But, I'll dance with you until you're sick of me," he promised.

"Never gonna happen," she promised in reply.

#

They took two breaks for tequila-soaked drinks, but Jensen and Briana spent most of their time on the dancefloor, improvising salsa moves as much as they laughed and joked together.

Every once and a while, someone would cut in and break their partnership, but they always found their way back together. Jensen forgot how much fun he could have when he wasn't overthinking every interaction or plotting escape routes. He even forgot that Jared and Stephen were at one of the tables their group had overtaken in their pursuit of weekend entertainment. 

When Misha's wife, Vicky, begged her way off the dancefloor on the pretense of needing another drink, Misha weaseled his way into dancing with Jensen, claiming he needed a strong partner, and Jensen laughed it off and moved from Briana to Misha without missing a beat.

Following wasn't that different from leading and he liked dancing with Misha. It wasn't like the playful flirtation he shared with Briana or the sweet comfort he had with Dani, but it was fun. Misha liked to laugh and Jensen had fun keeping up with his ridiculous, made-up steps.

The fun lasted until he was at the bar, ordering shots with his latest dancing partner, and a trio of guys and their girlfriends decided to make their opinion on the subject of two men dancing together known.

Jensen heard a mix of homophobic and curse words combined in a drunkenly slurred phrase that seemed to suggest they didn't want to see two guys dancing together. He rolled his eyes even though the words hurt. He'd always felt like he was more attracted to a specific person than one specific gender; it made him crazy that some people could say one love was better or more worthy to be recognised as valid as another.

"We're just here to have fun, same as you, same as everyone else," Misha said, just about shouting the words over Jensen's shoulder.

Jensen looked around in time to see one of the drunk idiots pull a face and say something else incredibly gross and hurtful. 

He felt Misha tense and he put his hands on his friend's shoulders. "Easy, big fella," he said in as quiet a voice he could manage.

"You're gonna let him---"

"Some people aren't gonna change their minds," Jensen said. "Misha, just let it go."

"But---"

Jensen shook his head. "Let's just go back to our tables and friendlier company," he advised.

Misha looked up at Jensen, sadness in the set of his mouth and the shape of his eyes. "But... how can you not want to fight?" he asked.

"Oh, I want to," Jensen replied. "But I also know it's not going to do anything but get my ass eighty-sixed and those assholes a free round from some other jerk in the crowd. I'm not about to contribute to their good night. They're not going to push me out of a place I enjoy. I'm not doing anything illegal---even though your sense of rhythm is an affront to all types of dance---and they can't ruin it for me if I don't let them."

He had a second to register Misha's eyes growing wider before he felt a hand gripping the back of his shirt.

"You wanna bet, fairy?"

"Really?" Jensen asked as he turned around and dislodged the drunk guy's hand with a well-aimed elbow. "That the best you got? I grew up in Texas. Believe me, I've heard it all. There's nothing you and your lumbersexual friends here can say to me that's gonna ruin my night."

He saw the punch coming---first through the guy's weight shift and then through his shoulder roll---but he didn't see the hand come up and block the hit until both hands were in front of his face.

_Damn it_ , Jared could move fast.

Stephen was saying something about how Jared shouldn't get involved, Kim and Briana were cheering on both Jared and Jensen, and Vicky was pulling Misha out of the way. Jensen could hear all the noise and chatter; the music was fading into the background as the noise around him swelled.

By the time Jared and Lucas---and _of course_ Jared was on a first name basis with the bartender in one of Jensen's favourite dance clubs---managed to wrassle the belligerent guys out of the building, Stephen was bothered, Jensen was annoyed, and Misha was ordering a round of shots for the whole group.

On his way back to the table, where he'd hoped to settle in between Kim, Briana, and Danneel, Jared intercepted him. Stephen was behind him, still scowling, but Jensen was distracted by Jared's wide eyes.

"Are you okay?" Jared asked.

"I've been dealing with bigoted assholes since I got caught kissing my brother's best friend behind the bleachers at a high school dance," Jensen said. "I'm _fine."_

Jared's brow furrowed. "You're actually pissed I stepped in?"

"Maybe you feel like you have some catching up to do in the whole out-and-proud thing, but---"

"That was about saving you from taking a punch you should never have to take!" Jared exclaimed. He stepped in closer and put a hand on Jensen's arm; the heat of his hand was both too much and not enough and Jensen didn't know whether to lean in close or pull away. "Jensen, whatever you might think of me, I never want to see you get hurt if I can prevent it."

"Jared?"

"Yeah?"

"I need you to let go of me," Jensen said in a voice that was much calmer than he felt. "I'm not your boyfriend and I don't need you taking care of me." 

Jared's hand was _warmer_ than Jensen remembered and he was closer than Jared had a right to be. Stephen was still huffing behind Jared, reminding them both that he was there and he apparently didn't like it when his boyfriend made a scene.

Honestly, Jensen had assumed Stephen would be the first one to throw a punch. He reminded Jensen of one of the traditional jock types---always ready to throw down for an important cause. It surprised him that Jared's perfect out-boyfriend hadn't wanted to jump into the fray. But, then, no two people were alike, and Jensen knew not everyone wanted to fight for the cause---as if it were a single issue with a single voice.

Jared. Boyfriend. _Right._ Fuck.

Before Jared could say anything, Jensen pulled his arm free and moved around the couple. He was back at the table before Jared could catch up to him; he downed his shot and then rounded the table for quick kisses and hugs from his friends.

Vicky jumped to her feet and hugged her arms around Jensen's neck. "You good?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah," Jensen said. "Just have a personal rule. If shit almost hits the fan, time to get out before it happens for real."

She nodded and rubbed his shoulders. "All right. Well, I'm going to take the streetfighter home soon and maybe use the memory of him dancing with you to put us in a much-more-relaxed mood," she pulled back and smirked. "Just so you know."

"Vicky! I do not need to know that!"

She chuckled and kissed his cheek. "And it's not the first time, either," she added, her smirk turning into something more impish and delighted.

Jensen felt his face heating to a bright pink tone. "Well, that's awesome," he said. She laughed in reply. After rubbing the back of his neck, he leaned in and said, "Fantasy-Me... he's good, right?"

"No complaints from either of us," Vicky replied. She grinned. "Get out of here. Go get your beauty sleep---"

"Thanks, Vick," he murmured.

"---and then get on doing those guitar videos so I have more spank bank material," she finished.

"I'm not gonna be on Red Tube!" Jensen exclaimed, over her laughter.

"C'mon, porn star, let's get you outta here," Briana said, once she'd come up behind him and slipped an arm around his shoulders. "Vee, imma gonna call you tomorrow morning. We need brunch---and I can deliver if you can't meet me."

Vicky waved them off with a smile and a nod.

The tension faded away as soon as Briana and Kim escorted Jensen out of the club. Even Kim saying she knew they needed to get Jensen out before he said anything on his liquor-soaked brain that he might regret when he was sober didn't wreck his better mood. He kissed their cheeks to express his gratitude.

His friends might drive him crazy, but, really, they were the best friends he'd ever had.


End file.
